Whatever happens

I keep this blog because sometimes I can't stand not to call you. I can't stand to miss you like this. I can't stand not to say something and I know the only way I can be kind to you now is not to say it, not to call you, not to show up in your email account or your text messages or your life. But sometimes it doubles me over and I can't stand it and so I come and write it here. And of course I hope that someday you'll find it, but I don't think you will.  I say these things here because they cut me open and I can't not say them.  I say the words from the book of common prayer for those we love, "almighty father we entrust all who are dear to us to thy never failing care and love, for this life and the life to come, knowing that thou art doing better things for them than we can desire or pray for." I think you would hate that prayer but my arms ache and it is the only way I can hold you now. 

I'm writing today because I found these cards. It was something I wrote you when you were thinking about going to grad school, I think. My handwriting is bad and I couldn't figure out what to say and I wanted to make it beautiful so I had started on all these cards for practice. 

My Amanda, not mine anymore, this is all still true.