Sometimes I miss you so much I think I might throw up

There is not much cultural context for mourning you. Especially because I was the one who did the leaving. Especially because I am with someone new, someone whom I love very much. I am happy, truly. But I think I'm supposed to be *only* happy, and I'm not. I am also so sad. I miss you so much it chokes me. I miss you so much I think I might throw up.

I wish there was a way around this. We talked so often about making alternative lives, alternative communities. Relationships and networks of care that didn't follow society's bullshit scripts. I know I hurt you so badly, and you probably wouldn't want to have me back in your life. But it's also true that what happened is one of those scripts we're taught. I fuck you over and break your heart, and ride off into the sunset. We send each other sad or angry messages once in a while. We don't rise from the ashes. There is no more "us."

I could walk barefoot from here to Michigan, but what would that mean? How could you ever forgive me? How could you ever trust me again?